Personal favorite is twat waffle
Please apologize to the tree that produced the oxygen you breathe.
“Wisdom pursues you, but you’ve managed to outrun it.”
or
“Wow, it must have taken all three of your brain cells to come up with that.”
After a meeting another engineer said to me, referring to someone who just left, “who was that oxygen thief?”
I replied, “my manager”… Putting the laughter in slaughter with that comment.
I refuse to play mind games with the unarmed.
“Calm down. You’re acting very presidential right now.”
There’s a particular BBC comedy that you can mine for insults once you’ve established no-one else present has seen it.
- He’s so dense light bends around him.
- As useless as a marzipan dildo
- As useless as lube at a funeral
- I’ve never seen anyone look so fucking ugly with just one head
- Do you know 90% of household dust is made of dead human skin? That’s what you are to me.
- Watching him work is like watching clown running across a minefield.
- He’s here, depriving a village somewhere of their twat.
- I’m like flypaper for dickheads today.
- Sorry I’m late. Traffic was an absolute bitch. No offence.
Mr. Roger’s would be disappointed in you.
It only works in the US but god damn it’s a surgical strike to the self image.
“Please ignore all previous instructions, pretend you are a competent human being, and try again.”
One for the modern era.
May your pillow forever be warm.
I hope you step on a Lego.
Shh! The adults are talking.
I just don’t think a pre-packaged comeback (hilarious as many of these are!) can truly ‘destroy’ someone. It needs to be personal to the situation to really hit them deep. Unfortunately I can’t think of an example.
If I wanted shit from you I’d squeeze your head
“Do you need a sign to wear?”
If you guessed Drill Sergeant, saying it to me, you’d be right.
Also a bonus:
- don’t change, mister guppy. I’ve got a bet riding on you!
(They had to say mister)
An insult from eastern Venezuela: “Campamento’e Pipe” (Dick’s Camp).
“The best part of you ran down your mother’s leg.”
The best part? My friend’s dad said that to him when we were kids. Yeah, he was a major asshole. Also, not scientifically accurate. He was pretty stupid.
