I’m in the same boat I find incredibly hard to bond with anyone.

I wish I had advice.

I’m friendly with people, and people is friendly with me. But I don’t bond. Specially with people which I share interest with I seem 100% unable to form a good friendship to, which is very frustrating.

Anyway, you are not alone.

To make friends you first need to be a friend yourself… It starts with you…

You might be missing a third place. I couldn’t find one so I started a Meetup group and managed to get something going. We’ve had a couple dozen regulars in the past years. Can share more if you’re interested.

I’m listening to an audio book called The Like Switch. I recommend it. It’s about building and maintaining relationships.

Unfortunately, I don’t have any good advice, but I do want to point out that making friends continues to become more difficult as you get older. From what I understand, it’s important to have some sort of activity that takes you away from home and work where you can potentially meet people. When you get older and have a family, that becomes even more difficult as your spare time dries up.

As someone in my late 20’s and who’s moved around quite a bit, I will talk to most people about most things. If I want to know something (within reason), I’ll ask. I’ve made friends and formed a trivia group in a shared Lyft when they did them, just by asking if they liked trivia. I wanted to know about careers at a museum in NYC so I asked the woman working the desk and we got to chatting. I asked someone about the beer they got at a show and that lead to more conversations about our mutual interests. If I see someone wearing merch or something I like, I’ll tell them. These open conversations and can lead to more. Sometimes they don’t. Sometimes they lead to friendships and sometimes they don’t but it’s still a pleasant conversation nonetheless. It just depends on the person. If I embarrass myself I can laugh it off and take comfort it knowing I probably won’t see these people again or one of us will forget in a few days. It is harder if you’re a guy. I am also a guy but I have a baby face and have been told I have a “very non threatening vibe.” YMMV. I will add I have autism and I think the benefit of that is just breezing right past small talk.

Here’s some advice from someone with a high nat charisma role on birth:

Gaining friends, lovers, or even acquaintances isn’t a goal to be worked towards - rather - the best kinds of these relationships are byproducts of mutual interest and experiences.

If your efforts are only going towards showing up at social events to participate in small talk, then no wonder it feels like you’re coming home from work. Because that’s the same behavior expected at work.

This “social script” we’re expected to follow at work is to maintain social standing to get work done, rather than grow and deepen connections.

Basically, work socialization and personal socialization should be approached differently, and taking the work approach to your private life will likely lead to the same kind of relationships you’re building at work: simple and makes your work easier. (Rather than relationships that are deep, and make your life more colorful.)

Here’s something to try the next time you find a group you want to be a part of:

• 1st: Don’t talk about work itself. Talk about the actions you take at work. Don’t say, “I work in sales” say “I sell shit to those that don’t need it.”

Talk about the specific actions you take, in work or anywhere else, and personalize them.

The fundamentals of any relationship are built on the aligned behaviors of individuals. The easiest way to determine if the way you behave is similar to others is to talk about how you act. And if you can add in your own opinion about those actions, even better. These small things communicate who you are much better than anything else. Actions speak louder than words, so try your best to speak about yourself as the actions you take - use verbs to describe yourself, not nouns.

• 2nd: Don’t talk about yourself unless asked. Instead, engage with others to learn about them. Specially, what actions they like.

If you know someone is interested in something like bikes. Don’t ask what bikes they like, ask if they “like the thrill of downhill mountain biking,” or “prefer a chill bike ride through the park.”

Do they watch movies? Don’t ask “did you like that Movie?” Rather, ask “did you like pacing of that Movie?”

Verbs should also be at the heart of your inquiries into others, as they describe the actions others have that might align with yours.

That is - good relationships are built on mutual action, not mutual interest.

So don’t ask, “How was work?” ask “What projects are you working on?” Then follow that inquiry up with more specifics on their behaviour through that project - “How hard was the project to complete? Who got in your way?”

Basically, socialize as if the people you want to hang around are all the main characters within their own show. They have adventures, villians, love interests, etc - and just spending time learning what those are, will make them feel closer to you. Once you know enough about them, you can begin asking them about the events in their own show. That is, in time, your small talk will grow from, “how was work?” to “did you get your evil manager fired over their bullshit harrasment?”

And that’s the difference between a friend, and someone you know at work.

Eventually, when you learn about these people more, you’ll discover the behaviour they have that aligns with yours. And eventually, you’ll begin doing stuff together with them.

They like casual bike rides? Cool, give it a shot with them! They like seeing matinees on Sunday? Cool join em!

The more you show an interest in how people behave, the more likely it is they will want to include you as part of that behaviour.

• 3rd. Encourage others. Be their hype man.

You know how they act? Great. Encourage it. Sometimes, even encourage it with you included.

They love bike riding? Great. Tell them about the park near your house they should try. Heck. You can even join em.

People often have goals tied to their favorite behaviours. If you know what those goals are, you can encourage them to pursue them. When they succeed, you will now be a part of it they’ll remember.

In time, you keep up the above, you’ll be surrounded by people you know well, and whom you’ve shared a lot of activities with.

And they will without question enjoy you in their lives for it.

I only find it hard because no one tries at all. St the beginning of my PhD I organized a ton of parties and near the end many in my own cohort would call on sick an hour before. We all have the same lives, I know they have no friends, what’s the point?

Luckily some of them were better than others but I feel people are so absorbed by their world and phones that they don’t step out much

It sounds like you’re trying to do forced corporate networking. I.e. create a relationship for the purpose of the relationship.

That doesn’t work.

Find some activity you like to do, or volunteer somewhere. Show up a lot. Those are your friends now. They can introduce you to others.

I don’t talk about work unless the other person brings it up. I stick with, how’s it going or how’s life. What’s been going on with you since last time? Whatcha been up to?

Keep practicing having a natural conversation but try not to think of it as practice. I was super socially awkward when I was younger and have only gotten better at it with time. It gets easier.

I’m also in my late 20s, and I’m an immigrant (changed continents)

When I meet new people, ai usually have a hard time coming up with something to talk about, so I had (still have) a hard time making new friends.

What helped me was to have continuous contact with people in a focused environment, for example: with around 6 months of office attendance I started warming up to my new colleagues (which eventually became friends), even though we were usually talking about work back then, we started to talk about it less and less up to a point where we don’t even work together anymore, but keep in touch

I found another of such environments in sports practices as well: don’t want to talk about anything? Fine, let’s just keep this ball rolling back and forth" but then eventually (again after a few months of continuous contact with the same group of people) things started to warm up a little

So to sum it up I’d say: patience is key, it usually takes a while before prople start to get along well

Hello, my likely undiagnosed autistic friend.

you need hobbies

I can certainly relate to you, but unfortunately don’t have any tips to offer.

The key is common interests. I’m into theatre and roller derby, so I participate in those communities, and friendships result from enjoying shared interests.