Check your local Craigslist or other classifieds for cheap old GPUs. Or if you have another PC, borrow the GPU and power supply just to get it to boot.

So March is just eels?

Glocktopus

And also are sharp enough to cut your hand if you hold it in the wrong way.

You can check the data the drive itself keeps about disk errors. This data is called SMART.

https://www.howtogeek.com/134735/check-ssd-or-hdd-health-with-smart/

Figure out if the drive is having problems or not, then look at replacing it.

Another thing that slows down old laptops is thermal throttling. Once again there are plenty of programs you can download to check component temperatures. Have you cleaned dust out of the inside of the laptop and re-done the thermal paste?

Sounds like you need a pihole.

You start with base HP at level 1. Every time you level up, you roll a die (which die is determined by what class you are playing) and add your constitution modifier.